


Lego Middle-earth

by budgie



Category: LEGO The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit (2012), The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Drabbles, Frivolity, Gen, Lego, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unconnected Chapters, what even is the fourth wall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-25
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2017-12-03 14:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/699080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/budgie/pseuds/budgie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili has a permanent scowl on his face. He blames Fili, and Fili blames the designers of their Lego bodies. (Based on either the actual Lego sets or the Lego LOTR game.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brothers and Arrows

**Author's Note:**

> For reference, [here](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BCWINOECcAAlz2l.jpg) is a picture of Lego Fili and Kili.

Kili has a permanent scowl on his face. He blames Fili, and Fili blames the designers of their Lego bodies. 

'It's easy for you,' Kili says. 'You can turn your head around and there's a completely different face on it. Both of mine are the same except one shows more teeth.'

Fili smiles. He has a smiling face by default. 'You should look on the bright side, brother. We were part of the special preview Mirkwood Spiders set. It is an honour.'

'I don't even know what happens in Mirkwood. The movie hasn't come out yet.'

'You haven't read the book?'

Kili shakes his head. 'I, er, haven't got around to it.'

'Oh, brother.' Fili sighs. 'You should really read it.'

'Well it's a bit difficult when books aren't Lego person sized. Especially since we are dwarves.'

'Have you not heard of e-books?'

Kili rolls his eyes and the two of them are silent for a few moments.

'Fili,' Kili says. 'Why did the designers give you a quiver?'

Fili looks surprised at the question. 'I don't know if they did. I thought I would just bring some extra arrows in case you ran out.'

If it is at all possible, Kili's scowl deepens. 'Oh my Tolkien, you are so embarassing. Have you told any of the others yet?'

'No, our owner hasn't bought any other Lego sets.'

'Don't tell anyone.'

'It's physically impossible for me to tell any other member of our company, Kili.'

'Everyone knows that one does not simply buy one Lego set. The others will come.'

'I know you run out all the time.'

'I hate you.'

'Anyway, I don't mind carrying the extra arrows. They're not that heavy. I worry about you, baby brother.'

Kili scowls. Fili might blame the designers, but deep down Kili is sure the fault lies with his brother.


	2. Hobbits and Snow

‘Are you serious?’ Gandalf asks as he surveys the level in front of him. Caradhras. 

‘Yes,’ Aragorn replies gravely. ‘We must carry all the hobbits and Master Gimli across the snow patches that are a different texture.’ 

‘Goddamn, that is tedious’ Gandalf says. ‘I’m too old for this shit, I tell you.’ He sighs and wishes he had a Lego pipe, but he’s not sure if Lego make pipes. Smoking is bad for you, etc etc, he knows. 

‘Do not fear,’ Boromir says, running forward. ‘Come here, Pippin. I will carry you to safety!’ He picks Pippin up and proceeds through the deep snow. 

Aragorn picks up Frodo, Legolas takes Gimli and Sam stands all on his own. He is probably the most useful hobbit, he can light fires and garden, but no one really takes much notice of him.

‘Merry,’ Gandalf says, walking up to the hobbit. ‘Come on.’ He tries to pick him up, but accidentally shoots a ball of magic at him. 

Merry yelps and glows red. ‘Gandalf!’ He begins to run away from the wizard.

‘I pressed the wrong button, shitting hell.’ Gandalf curses, chasing the hobbit. ‘Come here!’ He hits Merry with another blob of magic, then begins to button mash as he jumps everywhere, firing random magic blobs everywhere. He ends up hitting Merry on the head with his Lego staff and Merry shatters, gold and silver studs going everywhere. A blue stud, worth more than the others, bounces across the level.

‘Get the blue!’ Gandalf yells to the others. But it’s too late, and the stud falls off a ledge.

Gandalf swears.

The others have taken the shorter characters over the deep snow, and Legolas walks back for Sam. As he does so, he doesn’t sink in the snow like the others, but runs smoothly over the top.

‘How did you do that?’ Boromir asks, wading through with the snow up to his neck.

Legolas would shrug, but Lego people (or Lego elves) can’t really shrug unless it’s in a cutscene, so he just jumps.

‘Lego. Legolas. LEGOlas. Oh my GOD,’ Gandalf says, firing more magic bolts everywhere. One hits a recently respawned Merry.

‘Is it a coincidence, or a conspiracy?’ the wizard continues, jumping around the level manically.

Merry sidles up to Lego Legolas. ‘Can you take me across? I’m not sure if I trust him,’ he says, nodding at Gandalf.

Lego Legolas picks up the hobbit and carries him through the deep snow.

Sam opens his mouth to call after Lego Legolas, but Gandalf picks him up before he can utter a word.

Sam closes his eyes, hoping that Gandalf won’t drop him over a cliff edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I took the hobbits and Gimli across individually one by one for the first couple of deep snow patches until I finally figured out you could toss them all across, then promptly felt like an idiot.


	3. Elves and Dwarves

'This was a terrible idea,' Gimli says. He and Legolas have swapped bodies. 'I am a babe,' he continues, looking down at his distinctly elven body. He is quite tall. It's a bitunnerving being this far away from the ground.

'I _am_ a babe, but I don't see why that would be terrible.' Legolas runs a hand down his now-dwarven chest. 'Besides, you're quite attractive yourself, master dwarf.'

Gimli stares at Legolas. He is unnervingly attractive right now. 'A babe! A literal babe.'

'I don't get it.'

'You beautiful idiot,' Gimli grumbles. 'A BABY.'

'No need to resort to caps lock.'

'Where's all your hair, is what I am trying to say.'

'On my head. Besides, you've got enough for the both of us.'

It is a strange experience, leaning down to kiss Legolas. Especially when he can feel his own armour under his hands as he pulls Legolas closer.

'My friends!' Aragorn calls valiantly. 'I do not think now is the best time to be doing such things!' 

He swings his sword around and breaks apart a few orcs. The enemies aren't hard to kill, if he just continues to press X they'll all be defeated soon enough. But it is the principle that he not be the sole defender of the group.

Gimli pulls away from Legolas. 'We should continue this later,' he says, patting the elf's -- the dwarf's? -- shoulder. 

Legolas grins at him as they raise their weapons and plunge into the battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my excellent friend [Paddy](http://iwouldslayadragonforyou.tumblr.com/) for the idea of head-swapping!


	4. Sausages and Beards

'Quite frankly, I find it insulting,' Bombur says, waving around the plastic sausage he was given when constructed from the Lego set. 'There is more to life than food.'

Bofur pats his brother on the back. 'I know. At least your hat doesn't match your hair. It's all a bit Pippi Longstockings. I haven't even been given a proper beard!'

'I am sorry for your beard-loss, Bofur.'

'Speaking of beards, how in Durin's name does your beard even work?' Bofur prods Bombur's beard with a finger. 'Isn't the braid too heavy?'

'It is, quite.' Bombur pats it. 'But one does get attached.' 

There are a few moments while they sit on the bench out the front of Bilbo's Lego house. Bilbo yells at Fili and Kili who are on the roof; Kili is planning on jumping off and Kili doesn't think it's a good idea. Bilbo's just had the rooftop lawn trimmed and the two brothers are ruining it.

'I do hope I get some lines in the next movie,' Bombur says. 'I enjoy food as much as the next dwarf but really? I'm not even the best cook of the group!'

Kili falls off the roof and his Lego arm pops off.

'I told you it was a bad idea!' Fili shouts over Bilbo's shries of protest as the dwarf uses the windowsill as a foothold.

Bombur shakes his head and puts down the plastic sausage. 'I'm going to go see if there are any decent books inside.'


	5. Pipeweed and Baguettes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this without realising that Thorin doesn’t even come in the Bag End Lego set. ShhhhHHHHHH
> 
> Also, reference pic: [[link]](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhUKaFRCcAA324P.jpg)

‘I am freaking out,’ says Thorin. ‘Full on, you guys.’

‘Calm down,’ replies Gandalf. ‘Fuck’s sake.’

‘NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ Thorin yells, majestically. ‘Durin’s day will soon be upon us! We need the rest of our company if we are to continue!’

Gandalf sighs and leans back in his chair. Well, he would. This Lego set only comes with five tiny flat chairs. Goddamn hobbits, don’t know shit about wizard needs. This wine goblet is as big as his torso, though, which is pleasing.

‘Have some pipeweed,’ Gandalf says. ‘I fashioned one out of this oversized baguette.’ 

Thorin stares at him. ‘Gandalf, this is just an oversized baguette Lego piece.’

‘Have you never heard of imagination? Shitting Christ, I ask you.’ Gandalf shakes his head. ‘Lego can’t endorse smoking or whatever, I don’t fuckin know. Just smoke the damn pipe.’

‘Gandalf,’ Thorin says, letting the baguette fall to the floor as his hair blows majestically in the wind. It’s taller than him, he realises. He will forever hate all baguettes for this. ‘We MUST reach Erebor before Durin’s day! This is crucial to our quest!’

‘Lol, I’m a wizard,’ Gandalf picks up the baguette and takes a long puff. ‘I can get us there, no worries.’

Thorin weeps into his magnificent beard. ‘Why, great Mahal. Why. Could Saruman the White not have blessed our journey with his presence?’

Gandalf scowls. ‘Rather you’d have Radagast. Guy knows how to party.’

Thorin continues to weep.


End file.
